Weekend at the Movies – Transformers – Age of Extinction

It's that time again: Michael Bay is back with another Transformers movie. We saw it, and we're more than happy to tell you just where we'd like to stick it.

Usually, this is the point where we'd summarize the plot of a given film, but who are we kidding? This is Michael Bay's Transformers: plot would be overjoyed if it got elevated to a secondary consideration. With that in mind, let's just get right to the excoriation.

The Courteous Take

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. My comrade-in-compassionate-criticism, Film Crit Hulk (the leanest, greenest critic this side of paradise) has already written up a fairly hearty treatise on the subject of Michael Bay’s disturbing (and destructive) underlying pathology. It’s well worth a read, but maybe all you need is his first paragraph:

SO THERE'S THIS PART IN TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION WHERE THE AUTOBOTS SUDDENLY ENCOUNTER A SUPER-LITERAL VAGINA DENTATA ALIEN THAT'S JUST HANGING OUT IN A CAGE. THERE'S NO REASON FOR THIS TO BE HAPPENING ON ANY LEVEL, IT'S JUST CLEARLY STUCK IN FOR SOME MOTIVATIONAL REASON. BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT THE REVEAL OF THE ALIEN'S VAGINA DENTATA-NESS IS NOT SOME PLACID CINEMATIC MOMENT BUT INSTEAD HIGHLY EMPHASIZED. THIS IS CLEAR. THIS IS OVERT. SO THEN THE FAT AUTOBOT (ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS, BY THE WAY) IS SO REVOLTED BY THIS IMAGE THAT IT TELLS THIS WAY-TOO-CLEAR-VAGINA-SYMBOL THAT IT IS "TOO UGLY TO LIVE." THEN THE VAGINA GETS SOME SLIME ON HIM AND THE FAT AUTOBOT COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND AND THINKS HE'S "BURNING." BUT THEN THE FAT AUTOBOT JUST REALIZES IT'S JUST "SHIZZ." SO HE CALLS THE VAGINA-SYMBOL "BITCH" AND SHOOTS HER DEAD.

Yeah, that happened. In a “kids’” movie. In any movie, for that matter. And it was only the tip of the iceberg.

The worst thing is, Trans4mers is already breaking all kinds of first-weekend box office records, so even if there’s a sudden drop-off in attendance (although given the tepid new offerings this Independence Day weekend, I’d be surprised), it’s unquestionably going to be one of the highest-grossing films of 2014.

So is it even worth me telling you not to see this movie? Worth it or not, I’m going to say it: don’t see this movie. Don’t see it because “you want to see if it’s as bad as they say.” Don’t see it because “you want to turn your brain off for a while.” Don’t see it because “you like giant robots and giant-er explosions.”

Usually, my red lights are a bit more blinking red lights, if you’ll forgive the extended traffic metaphor. Transcendence was dull and misguided, but you might want to see it anyway if you’re a sucker for soft science fiction. Draft Day may not have come together for me, but Kevin Costner was genuinely personable, and I’d never begrudge a football fan who wanted to indulge. There are reasons to see most movies, even the bad.

Not this one. This is a genuine case of “I saw it, so you don’t have to.” Don’t let my sacrifice go to waste.

The Savage Rejoinder

On a positive note, I had a blast watching Stanley Tucci chew the scenery like a strip of jerky. He seems to be the only person having any fun in the movie and makes even of the dumbest scenes bearable.

Where Do We Go from Here?

T: If you really must see a Michael Bay film, revisit The Rock. It's probably his best and most functional film. Pain & Gain is also surprisingly great, although full of its own bunch of little awfulnesses.

S: Why not see Transformers: The Movie (1986)? It's dumb and loud, too, but in an endearing way. Also, the soundtrack is a time capsule of everything dorky and wonderful about the 80s.