What Happens When Jason Meets Texas? Spoiler: Not Much

Jason Voorhees might be the king of horror movie killers, but if he ever wandered into Texas, he would just get sent right back to hell where he came from. Camp Crystal Lake may have been spooky, but Texas has its own set of rules. Jason’s machete wouldn’t be enough to terrorize Texans.

The Weather Would Kill Him First

Let’s start with the obvious. Jason hides in the woods and stalks teens. Good luck doing that in 110-degree heat with 90% humidity. That coat? That mask? He'd sweat himself into a coma before he ever made it to the first cabin.

Texans Are Armed and Not Running Away

In every horror movie, someone trips, drops their keys, and runs upstairs. In Texas we’re not running. We’re loading and reloading and reloading again. Jason wouldn’t make it past the porch before catching buckshot and a “bless your heart” on the way down.

He’d Get Stuck in Traffic on I-35

Imagine Jason trying to chase someone through Central Texas only to get stuck in a construction zone for three exits. Even a supernatural killer can’t survive the emotional damage of Austin rush hour.

Too Many Nosy Neighbors

Texas towns are small, and everybody knows everybody. A man in a mask with a weapon is going straight to the neighborhood Facebook group. Before you know it, Jason’s face is posted next to a Ring camera video with the caption: “Anyone else see this guy near Buc-ee’s?”

No Crystal Lake. Just Gators and Snakes

Texas lakes aren’t haunted, but they are full of snapping turtles and water moccasins. Jason wouldn’t be lurking in the shadows. He’d be screaming while a cottonmouth coiled around his ankle.

Jason Voorhees wouldn’t last five minutes in Texas. Between the heat, the artillery, the highways, and the wildlife, he’d be begging to go back to New Jersey. Honestly, we wouldn’t blame him.